When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose seomthing you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.
High up abover, or down below. When you're too inlove to let it go. But if you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth.
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.
Tears stream down your face when you lose something you could not replace. Tears stream down your face and I. . . Tears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Tears Stream down your face and I. . .
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Poor Warren
My car has gone to shit.
Bad combination of sleeping-med-fog and curb.
When I drive the steering wheel vibrates.
I am about to be much much poorer than I already am.
Bad combination of sleeping-med-fog and curb.
When I drive the steering wheel vibrates.
I am about to be much much poorer than I already am.
Time Zone
I just noticed the time stamps on all my posts were totally off. This is a test to see if I fixed it.
And now that I know I have, I can't figure out how to delete this post. So. . . I guess we're stuck with it.
And now that I know I have, I can't figure out how to delete this post. So. . . I guess we're stuck with it.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Mrs. Lonely
The feeling has come back. That awful, nagging feeling I get when I've been alone for too long. It's been over two years since i've been in a relationship, and it's taking it's toll.
I keep trying to figure out why no one seems to be interested in me, but I have yet to figure it out. I'm normally the type of person who feels pretty good about myself. I have my insecurities just like everyone else, but it's not like I hate who I am. This is just making it all the harder to figure out what is going on. Sometimes I'll sit and just think to myself "Is it my weight? no, everyone I know flipped when I told them I was going on weight watchers. Well, almost everyone, but I'm a size 6. That's not huge, is it?. . . Is it my hair? No. My hair is fabulous. Most of the time. . . Is it my skin? No. No it is not. There is not doubt in my mind it is NOT my skin. My skin is amazing. Seriously. One thing in life I'm sure of. . . the list goes on and on. And I can't figure it out.
And don't get me wrong, I do alright by myself. I just KNOW how good having someone feels, and I miss that. I miss being held, being kissed, having someone who I can talk to, to cry to. . . Maybe the fact that I have so few friends is effecting all this too. I have friends, atleast, a few. And I love them all, but I hardly ever get to see them. They are so into their schoolwork, they don't have time for little ol' me. Who isn't in school. Who goes to work with people 10 years older than her. Ok, there are a few people around my age. But still.
And of course, there is a boy. We shall call him boy because this IS the internet and you never know who is going to see this shit. I've known boy for a couple months, and I've slowly fallen head over heels for him. We're friends. Good friends, but he's made it pretty clear that he's not interested in me. It's like I'm one of his guy friends. I hate that. I act like I'm OK with him talking about the HOT GIRL he's going to the movies with, or went to that party with the other night, but I'm not. I'm green. Forest freakin' green. Yet, he's hinted on several occasions that he is not interested. That he's "not attracted to me, but I'm not ugly" how sweet, right? Ugh.
I need to get out more, meet new people, I know, but how am I supposed to do that? Where do 17 year olds go to find love? Ha. Nowhere. They go to school. Not that I had much luck there either, but that isn't a story you want to hear. I don't know, I have a tendency to choose all the wrong people. I've only been in 1 relationship that ended well, but it ended. And I don't know if there is ever going to be a chance with that one again.
That's all for now.
Love.
I keep trying to figure out why no one seems to be interested in me, but I have yet to figure it out. I'm normally the type of person who feels pretty good about myself. I have my insecurities just like everyone else, but it's not like I hate who I am. This is just making it all the harder to figure out what is going on. Sometimes I'll sit and just think to myself "Is it my weight? no, everyone I know flipped when I told them I was going on weight watchers. Well, almost everyone, but I'm a size 6. That's not huge, is it?. . . Is it my hair? No. My hair is fabulous. Most of the time. . . Is it my skin? No. No it is not. There is not doubt in my mind it is NOT my skin. My skin is amazing. Seriously. One thing in life I'm sure of. . . the list goes on and on. And I can't figure it out.
And don't get me wrong, I do alright by myself. I just KNOW how good having someone feels, and I miss that. I miss being held, being kissed, having someone who I can talk to, to cry to. . . Maybe the fact that I have so few friends is effecting all this too. I have friends, atleast, a few. And I love them all, but I hardly ever get to see them. They are so into their schoolwork, they don't have time for little ol' me. Who isn't in school. Who goes to work with people 10 years older than her. Ok, there are a few people around my age. But still.
And of course, there is a boy. We shall call him boy because this IS the internet and you never know who is going to see this shit. I've known boy for a couple months, and I've slowly fallen head over heels for him. We're friends. Good friends, but he's made it pretty clear that he's not interested in me. It's like I'm one of his guy friends. I hate that. I act like I'm OK with him talking about the HOT GIRL he's going to the movies with, or went to that party with the other night, but I'm not. I'm green. Forest freakin' green. Yet, he's hinted on several occasions that he is not interested. That he's "not attracted to me, but I'm not ugly" how sweet, right? Ugh.
I need to get out more, meet new people, I know, but how am I supposed to do that? Where do 17 year olds go to find love? Ha. Nowhere. They go to school. Not that I had much luck there either, but that isn't a story you want to hear. I don't know, I have a tendency to choose all the wrong people. I've only been in 1 relationship that ended well, but it ended. And I don't know if there is ever going to be a chance with that one again.
That's all for now.
Love.
Sisterly. . . Love? I'm not so sure.
My sister's home from college for the summer. She's only been home for about an hour and she's already screaming and crying. This is my 18 year old sister. Holy crap- I know.
This probably makes no sense to you, but I'm ok with that. I'll save her story for another day. I don't have time.
This probably makes no sense to you, but I'm ok with that. I'll save her story for another day. I don't have time.
Prom
All this hype about prom is starting to get to me. It's another one of those "high school experiances" i'll never get. It's one of the few things that I was looking forward to in high school. But it's too late now. Maybe I'll get asked next year. Probably not, but a girl can dream right? That's the only way I can go. Is if i get asked. Damn. That sucks. I don't even know if it's the actual prom I wish I could go to. I think i just want to go shopping for the dress, get my hair done, get my nails done, get a limo, go to an after party. haha. But I was never in that type of crowd anyway. *sigh*. Whatever.
Friday, April 27, 2007
School Daze
My mom asked me if I wanted to go to the school play with her tonight. I couldn't. Not yet.
I don't know why. I don't know what I'm scared of facing. My old school mates, my old teachers, the questions I'll get asked. . .
Maybe it was just that I got a 30 minute notice and didn't get a chance to get all dolled up. So I can give everyone a big "fuck you" and look hot. I don't know.
I hate myself so much for not being able to face my past. I always tell myself (and everyone else) I don't regret it, so why can't I go back? I know if I do I'll freak out. I know I'll have an anxiety attack and want to leave right away. I'm so disapointed in myself because of that. I don't know when I'll be ready, but not yet. Not now.
I've been having trouble sleeping again. I don't know if it's because I've been sleeping in late, or what. But last night, I didn't get to bed until 8 AM. I woke up at 5. It's a problem.
I was going to go to QYDI tonight, but I dont' know a) what time it is and b) where it it. plus, all my friends are probably at the play, so it would've been really weird. Maybe next week. Yet another fact in my life that I'm having trouble facing.
I don't know why. I don't know what I'm scared of facing. My old school mates, my old teachers, the questions I'll get asked. . .
Maybe it was just that I got a 30 minute notice and didn't get a chance to get all dolled up. So I can give everyone a big "fuck you" and look hot. I don't know.
I hate myself so much for not being able to face my past. I always tell myself (and everyone else) I don't regret it, so why can't I go back? I know if I do I'll freak out. I know I'll have an anxiety attack and want to leave right away. I'm so disapointed in myself because of that. I don't know when I'll be ready, but not yet. Not now.
I've been having trouble sleeping again. I don't know if it's because I've been sleeping in late, or what. But last night, I didn't get to bed until 8 AM. I woke up at 5. It's a problem.
I was going to go to QYDI tonight, but I dont' know a) what time it is and b) where it it. plus, all my friends are probably at the play, so it would've been really weird. Maybe next week. Yet another fact in my life that I'm having trouble facing.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Here's a Real One
So I'm basically starting this because my lovely friend Tiffany (www.sickgirlspeaks.blogspot.com check it out!) has a blog on here, and well, it's way better than Xanga. Plus I don't know anyone here. So it's easier to rant, and rave, and be happy. Without being judged. Maybe you will judge me, but I don't know you, so go right ahead.
I'm 17 years old, and have never been so lost. At the same time, I feel totally comfortable with who I am. It's a weird feeling.
Even though this is somewhat anonymous, I still don't feel like I can open up. I guess I'm scared. I guess I see what opening up has done to me in the past, what it's done to other people. I let fear hold me back too much. Hold me back from love, from work, from life. But then again, how can I get hurt, right? If only it were so easy.
I'm 17 years old, and have never been so lost. At the same time, I feel totally comfortable with who I am. It's a weird feeling.
Even though this is somewhat anonymous, I still don't feel like I can open up. I guess I'm scared. I guess I see what opening up has done to me in the past, what it's done to other people. I let fear hold me back too much. Hold me back from love, from work, from life. But then again, how can I get hurt, right? If only it were so easy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
